Reflections and Realizations: A New Path Forward

Sullins Stuart - July 15, 2022

The gods have given me trials and tribulations over the past year and a half that have truly tested the power of my ego to firmly keep me immersed in negative thoughts, as well as, the infinite capacity of my soul to bring me comfort and refuge in times of immense sorrow. 

It has not been easy.

It has been even more difficult for someone very dear to me. She has become my teacher as she has shown me the healing power of Spirit in spite of suffering atrocities that no one should ever have to experience. 

There have been many moments where I utterly refused to transform my suffering, and instead, chose to go down the dark path of revenge and found delight in the idea of inflicting harm upon her perpetrators. As a self-proclaimed spiritual teacher, I am not proud of these moments, no matter how justified others may say I am for willfully entertaining such thoughts.

I know deep in my soul, I must ultimately forgive these individuals—strangers I will never meet. I am nowhere near being able to do so. 

Suffering has made me question my work as a spiritual teacher and writer. Do I enjoy it anymore? Does it fulfill me? Do I have anything to offer those on the spiritual path? Am I doing it out of vanity? Why not just do the spiritual work I must do, but do so privately, as if I were a monk living outside a monastery, in the world but not of the world? Suffering has made me question many things in my life—spiritually, philosophically, personally, and materially.   

I am still seeking many answers, however, I have had some realizations regarding my writing, my spiritual work, my creative process, and my intentions moving forward as a spiritual teacher and writer.

I am no longer calling myself a spiritual teacher. I am a man striving to live an awakened life—a life in conscious harmony with my soul. I am a writer, a creator. I want to be of service to others, to inspire, to encourage, to be a beacon of light and love for those seeking to live an awakened life, too. Tolstoy said, “Grow spiritually and help other to do the same; it is the meaning of life.” 

My intention is to start writing more loosely, from my heart. I am naturally quite intellectual and it serves me nicely, but it doesn’t always fulfill me creatively. I want to share my spiritual work, my realizations, things I know I must do in order to grow, not necessarily what I think you will want to read or I think will get more likes or comments. I’m tired of editing myself and my writing, always making sure something is perfect before I hit publish or send. That’s what I’ve done in the past and it just isn’t fun or fulfilling, which is one reason I have not been consistent in delivering content to you. 

In seeking mastery of something, I have verified that after a certain amount of study, you possess all the knowledge you need, that there comes a point where it’s time to switch gears and apply what you’ve learned. That’s what I’ve been doing for many years, applying the knowledge I gleaned from my teacher and the many books I’ve read and continue to read. My teachers are now literally everywhere these days—in nature, in encounters with people young and old, in silent moments—one can learn something from anything if you look deeply into the nature of things and allow it to penetrate you. Blake's words ring now more true to me than ever before, "To see a world in a grain of sand, And a Heaven in a wild flower, Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand, And Eternity in an hour." 

Truthfully, I don’t have anything new to teach or say that you haven't already heard or could google or read somewhere else. But, what I can share with you are my thoughts and realizations as someone who in each moment of the day desires to grow in Spirit, who seeks to be as awake to their life as possible and live with their soul as their guide. A lot of what I share may be confessional, autobiographical, and deeply personal. It may or may not be what you are looking for or want to read. If not, I understand and wish you well.

I don’t know what form my writing will take. And I’m not going to promise to be consistent in any capacity either. As a creator, I just want to create when it feels right. Form and consistency be damned! I may write several times a week or once in a blue moon. I may write about how I manage depression, share a good book I read, a podcast interview I heard, or a quote that resonated with me. I may write in a stream of consciousness style, in fragments, or it might take the form of a to do list. It may at times appear hastily written and not edited with a fine tooth comb, but I promise it will be sincere and genuine. 

I hope you will stick around, at least for a little while, as I navigate the changes and challenges in my life, my spiritual work, my work as a writer and creator. It will be an unraveling and unveiling process for me, too. I honestly don’t know where it will take me. I may contradict myself at times, I may appear full of shit sometimes, but I do promise you this—I will always strive to be true to my soul in the moment in which I write it.